There's another factor in here as well... and that's if it makes money, there's probably a porn parody out there.
Is this a bad thing? No, I don't think so. Obviously adult entertainers have to make bread, parodies are usually worth a watch.. hell, I prefer musical parody acts like Weird Al and Youtube based group The Key of Awesome to most of the original songs they're copying.
This above image has been a popular meme and for good reason - you wouldn't expect the adult entertainment version to look more like the original than the Hollywood version, but here we get that. It makes sense, because obviously in the adult version they're selling a fantasy.. but.. isn't that what the movie industry version is for as well?
Don't they market to us with sex appeal and power fantasies? Especially in superhero themed products? If so.. how did they drop the ball so hard with Suicide Squad's costuming?
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| Said no one ever |
So let's check out the Axel Braun porn parody of Suicide Squad - and how it compares to the failed movie Suicide Squad by a different jerk off. Ironically.
Side note: I'm not bothered about actual sex scenes (it's like televised sport - fun to do, murder to watch someone else do and get paid for it!) so this is going to be just based on the actual storyline, outfits and characterisations.
If you feel the same way, here's a video link where you can just watch the above mentioned scenes - all the sexy-times are replaced with BTAS Joker failing to be seduced by Harley Quinn. It trims the movie in half essentially.
Anyway, we start with Harley Quinn waking up on the floor of her padded cell after some CGI city porn. She mumbles to herself about this not being Kansas, as you do, before realising that Katana is there watching her and sharpening her swords.
Kleio Valentine - who plays Harley Quinn - is actually pretty good here. Although her laugh is kinda forced and annoying, her voice is more like the animated series version, and she's actually funny - two things Margot Robbie couldn't manage if she tried. She also seems more like her character - she initially jumps up ready to defend herself and then crawls over to Katana (Asa Akira) in a kind of seductively sinister way..
Then goes right back into her bubbly self asking if she can play with the swords Katana's wielding.
Not getting any reaction, she persists with trying to get under Katana's skin. They start to circle each other with Harley still goading Katana but it's like talking to a brick wall. Naturally, they start making out and going at it - which at least gives us a reason as to why later on Harley's greasepaint is smudged and off her face - unlike Margot's version where she's just a shitty face painter.
Hell, Kleio even has more tattoos (and nicer ones, I might add) than gangsta skank Margot-Harley.
Eventually the Wall (Nyomi Banxx) comes down on them and threatens Harley's tongue with a nice porno burn!
Waller brings the rest of the group into the cell and while her voice pattern is a bit strange she does alright. I like that it cuts out the idea of Waller (Suicide Squad version) running this scheme past a bunch of mindless CEO types and having them blankly agree it's like, totally cool and stuff to try this.
The line up itself looks like an amalgamation of both Suicide Squad and Attack on Arkham. Killer Frost is there, El Diablo is missing, so is Killer Croc, they have to go into Arkham instead of... whatever the movie was about.. etc. They even used this dialogue, but to much better effect.
Waller: For now, you five - are my new team. Your code name is... Task force X.
Deadshot: (laughs then sighs) Why not.. Suicide Squad? Feels more appropriate for the shit you're about to throw us in.
Hell, even Flag (Alec Knight) is there and has ten times the balls (oh, how did that pun get in there?) than the actual movie. He steals a gun from his captors and shoots the guards while Waller watches coolly. He explains about how what she's doing is an affront to the military he served in and an act of treason.
Waller explains the neck bomb but Flag calls her bluff and leaves the room only to blow up off screen. Still executed better than Slipknot.
(Oh look, more puns! Accidental, I swear!)
Extra points for Captain Boomerang (Seth Gamble) for looking and sounding on point. I actually didn't mind Jai Courtney's portrayal.. but it would have been nice if he actually got to do something in the movie instead of being shoved aside for the massive egos of his co-stars.
This version would actually be pretty good at Cinema Sins - pointing holes in Waller's plan by telling her to transfer Prisoner 0 out herself, and calling her a nong. Love it!
The squad suit up and go to find Enchantress to help disguise them to access Arkham.
More impressive - the squad manage to suit up to more appropriate music and less T&A than the actual movie.
Again, this is the PORN PARODY and it is KICKING HOLLYWOOD'S ASS.
Riley Steele plays Enchantress and although she's only there for one scene, she's a much better actress than Cara Delalavignette.
I'm not saying that to be mean but damn, my local cinema played a promo for her new movie Valerian and she looked like she was about to die of boredom when she said she "couldn't wait for us to see it".
Amber Heard and Johnny Depp's apology video to Australia was more believable and engaging!
Anyway, Enchantress was better used at the start of Suicide Squad when she was suitably creepy and not just one of those bobble heads that's activated by the sun. At least the Steele version is pretty.
Of course, it's a lead up to another shag scene but there's still a lot of improvement over the actual movie. Enchantress actually meets the team but is not on the team, so there's no bizarre lead up to her 'betrayal'. She has limits on her powers - when the porn squad meet her she's stuck in her alter ego and powerless. She also needs blood for her spells, not just Zumba butt shaking. This squicks Harley out and she leaves the scene. Boomerang calls Enchantress 'the Switcheroo Witcheroo' which had me laughing more than I should have.
Even Harleen laughs at that and after breaking the ice, Joker invites her to heal him with her therapy.
Not getting any reaction, she persists with trying to get under Katana's skin. They start to circle each other with Harley still goading Katana but it's like talking to a brick wall. Naturally, they start making out and going at it - which at least gives us a reason as to why later on Harley's greasepaint is smudged and off her face - unlike Margot's version where she's just a shitty face painter.
Hell, Kleio even has more tattoos (and nicer ones, I might add) than gangsta skank Margot-Harley.
Eventually the Wall (Nyomi Banxx) comes down on them and threatens Harley's tongue with a nice porno burn!
Waller brings the rest of the group into the cell and while her voice pattern is a bit strange she does alright. I like that it cuts out the idea of Waller (Suicide Squad version) running this scheme past a bunch of mindless CEO types and having them blankly agree it's like, totally cool and stuff to try this.
The line up itself looks like an amalgamation of both Suicide Squad and Attack on Arkham. Killer Frost is there, El Diablo is missing, so is Killer Croc, they have to go into Arkham instead of... whatever the movie was about.. etc. They even used this dialogue, but to much better effect.
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| Roll credits! |
Deadshot: (laughs then sighs) Why not.. Suicide Squad? Feels more appropriate for the shit you're about to throw us in.
Hell, even Flag (Alec Knight) is there and has ten times the balls (oh, how did that pun get in there?) than the actual movie. He steals a gun from his captors and shoots the guards while Waller watches coolly. He explains about how what she's doing is an affront to the military he served in and an act of treason.
Waller explains the neck bomb but Flag calls her bluff and leaves the room only to blow up off screen. Still executed better than Slipknot.
(Oh look, more puns! Accidental, I swear!)
This version would actually be pretty good at Cinema Sins - pointing holes in Waller's plan by telling her to transfer Prisoner 0 out herself, and calling her a nong. Love it!
Waller is vexxed. Very vexxed. The last time I rolled my eyes that hard, I lost them in the back of my head for three solid days. True story! I mostly did it to make more puns though.
The squad suit up and go to find Enchantress to help disguise them to access Arkham.
More impressive - the squad manage to suit up to more appropriate music and less T&A than the actual movie.
Again, this is the PORN PARODY and it is KICKING HOLLYWOOD'S ASS.
Riley Steele plays Enchantress and although she's only there for one scene, she's a much better actress than Cara Delalavignette.
I'm not saying that to be mean but damn, my local cinema played a promo for her new movie Valerian and she looked like she was about to die of boredom when she said she "couldn't wait for us to see it".
Amber Heard and Johnny Depp's apology video to Australia was more believable and engaging!
Anyway, Enchantress was better used at the start of Suicide Squad when she was suitably creepy and not just one of those bobble heads that's activated by the sun. At least the Steele version is pretty.
Of course, it's a lead up to another shag scene but there's still a lot of improvement over the actual movie. Enchantress actually meets the team but is not on the team, so there's no bizarre lead up to her 'betrayal'. She has limits on her powers - when the porn squad meet her she's stuck in her alter ego and powerless. She also needs blood for her spells, not just Zumba butt shaking. This squicks Harley out and she leaves the scene. Boomerang calls Enchantress 'the Switcheroo Witcheroo' which had me laughing more than I should have.
Deadshot (Lexington Steele) calls bullshit on the contrived sexual release of Enchantress from June Moone - which I also thought was hilarious and a little tongue in cheek.(wait, did I just pun again? Nice!) Doesn't really explain why a de-powered Enchantress is hanging around in her creepy hideout in her Enchantress costume listening to creepy monks singing but anyway.
She still has the black magical swarm when her powers come back but none of the little sparks that looked like flies.
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| That swamp bath wasn't actually a bath - you still need to shower!! |
As Harley couldn't deal with the blood letting, she stays as herself but in her Arkham Knight costume while the rest are transformed into prison guards good enough to fool Harley initially and then the rest of the Asylum staff later. To be honest, that's about as much effort as you'll ever see someone working at Arkham Asylum do so I'm not going to criticise the guards too much.
Once inside the spell dissipates and the squad splits up. Boomerang sets a bomb and then cracks onto Killer Frost (Anna Bell Peaks) who reveals she has a side mission (much like Attack on Arkham) so Boomerang threatens her mission. Killer Frost seduces Boomerang, but it's only a trick to freeze his nads off.
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| Talk about your blue balls! Ha! |
Very much in character for both. Harley and Deadshot skip along the corridor taking out off screen cameras and guards, which shows why they needed Harley for this mission, knowing the Asylum like the back of her hand being both an employee and a patient. Deadshot is what he is.. a shooter. None of this Will Smith hero crap here, thank you.
Harley then realises that she's been in this wing before but can't quite place as to why. Look at that screenshot, all of her nails are in the right colours and perfectly painted. Unlike Margot! Ayer - you couldn't even do that right and you had a massive budget! Graaaagh!!!
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| "I'm confident we can reach a break through." |
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| "You need a machine gun? Sure!" |
The "Mad Love" therapy flashback was done better and the actors have comfier seats too. Harleen actually tries to stay professional and doesn't stand for Joker's come on's and psychotic laughter. Joker (Tommy Pistol) still does his reworking of Harleen's name and gets into Harleen's head seeing that she's tired of doing things by the book and that she wants to laugh more. Still not getting much of a reaction, he tries a joke.
Joker: A guy walks into a cafe and sees a sign on the wall that says cheeseburgers $2, handjobs $10. He asks the waitress, "are you the one who gives the handy-jacks?" she says "yeah."
"So go wash your hands," he says, " 'cause I really want a burger!'
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Now face to face with Joker in the present - Harley is shook up emotionally but the Joker turns to her and with a straight face asks her who's looking after the hyenas?
**ten minute interlude of me rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably**
Cut to the side mission where Killer Frost finds Prisoner 0 (The Riddler played by Owen Gray) and across the hall, Poison Ivy (Katy Kiss) is also incarcerated.
This Poison Ivy has Uma Thurman's hair style from the Batman and Robin movie, and green viney looking underwear like her Bombshells counterpart.
It works, especially considering Poison Ivy basically wears nothing these days anyway - especially in the Arkham Asylum/City games that the Assault on Arkham was based off visually.
The Riddler also looks about right and speaks in riddles a lot, as you might expect from him and to the utter annoyance of Killer Frost. The green glasses were a nice touch. The actor kind of reminded me a lot of the Riddler in Gotham. Not looks, as such but the way he nailed the obsessive riddling part of the character, like Jim Carrey's Riddler but not as comedic.
Joker: "A guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender, 'I had a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a reaaally good time!"
Harley: "A lonely maths teacher puts down his math book and says 'if three people having sex is a threesome and four is a foursome... then I guess I'm just handsome!'"
Even Batman laughs (well, as much as Batman can laugh) at these sex jokes while Joker's laugh here is about as awesome as Jared Leto's 'laugh'.
So there's a threesome with these weirdos and the most interesting thing to me is how ordinary Batman's suit is. Am I desensitised? Nit picky? I honestly don't know. Batman doesn't get naked but he does take his cape off which is about as close as he gets and is quite startling as it is.
There are so many Batcave jokes along with the standard 'rev up your Harley' quip.
Joker says he's happy that Harley got off as well leading Batman to say he's such so kind and considerate. Joker replies that he's not really a bad guy but people are just scared to get to know him.
Getting dressed afterwards is awkward but funny, like most sexual encounters I imagine.
Joker, Harley, Deadshot and Katana abscond together leaving Batman alone and grumpy - just like always. He calls Alfred to ask if the tracker on Harley is active - he answers yes but it's faint and he enquires exactly *where* the tracker is. Ho ho ho.. sneaky Batman.
After credits reveal that Flag is alive and well, joking to the Wall about how the Squad believed there were bombs in their necks.
Winner for best costume in my opinion is Killer Frost. An exact cosplay of the costume from Assault on Arkham (albeit with a lot more tattoos) and I liked the colour effects they had going through her hair.
I'm not sure but it looked like she even had a bit of something frozen or crystallised in her hair.
Even with the blue lipstick and eye-shadow, it doesn't look like overkill (hahaha) and even her little gem thing lights up.
She also retains a lot of her character from Assault on Arkham as well as her powers.
Runner-up is Harley Quinn in her Arkham Knight outfit.
It would have better if she had kept the little eye mask instead of the smeared Batman: the Dark Knight Joker eye shadow but that's only a minor quibble.
Thankfully her actual 'Suicide Squad' costume was only seen briefly. Even though it's better than the one in the movie it's still terrible costume wise.
This is a screen cap from the Suicide Squad movie but it looks like an epic cum-shot that should have been in the porn parody. I think the parody was filmed before the movie came out but I'm just saying.
If you get a chance, watch the parody and see what you think. Again, if you aren't keen on watching your favourite characters bone, there's always the porn less cut above.
So far, this movie seems to have captured more of the characters, their looks and personalities, had a better soundtrack and quotes, and did their best with limited space and CGI. It still managed to have more of a plot than Suicide Squad ever did so it beats me what even happened in that production.
It works, especially considering Poison Ivy basically wears nothing these days anyway - especially in the Arkham Asylum/City games that the Assault on Arkham was based off visually.
The Riddler also looks about right and speaks in riddles a lot, as you might expect from him and to the utter annoyance of Killer Frost. The green glasses were a nice touch. The actor kind of reminded me a lot of the Riddler in Gotham. Not looks, as such but the way he nailed the obsessive riddling part of the character, like Jim Carrey's Riddler but not as comedic.
Poison Ivy is a bit friendlier than what she's usually depicted as, but that's fair enough because she's not a major character in this show. As a comic fan, I enjoyed the throw back to Ivy's time on the Squad and the revelation that she was part of a mission that failed, hence her incarceration. The two villainesses seem to mesh really well, and I liked how they made solving riddles part of their conversation pretty naturally.
Even Poison Ivy's plant jokes aren't *that* bad (they're still pretty bad) but it's hilarious how Riddler isn't keen on just getting it on without his riddles as well, referring to sex as a game.
Naturally there's a three way between Killer Frost, Poison Ivy and The Riddler.
Back with Joker - Harley tries to shoot him a la Assault on Arkham but fails as he seduces her again. Sort of.. well, they bond over the sounds of things blowing up then he asks for a blow job and she taunts him that she got it on with Batman.
I love that Joker first laughs at "getting Batman out of his utility belt finally" before realising that Harley slept with his mortal enemy and getting pissed. When she mocks him, saying she's thinking of doing Boy Wonder next (which is now true thanks to the newest animated movie) he tells her he'll bang those bats out of her belfry! Hilarious!
This Harley licks things randomly as well, but it kind of makes sense in this context plus Joker's cell looks surprisingly cleaner than the gross bars in the movie.
Killer Frost abandons the green duo and traps Katana and Deadshot as patsies for breaking Prisoner 0 out - they curse Waller and Katana actually has use for the sword and has a back story in this parody.
Of course, this leads to a sex scene with Deadshot instead of trying to bust out of the storage room they're locked in.
I don't know if this is for interracial kinks or something but I'm glad it wasn't Harley and Deadshot this time - saw enough of that in the other two movies to be honest.
Also, Deadshot doesn't take off his gun belt when he aims his own pistol (Hi-Yoh!)
Eventually, Harley frees the Joker and they make their escape through a sewer before running into Batman.
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| "Awkward!" |
Joker is happy it's two against one, but Batman (Charles Dera) asks him which two - leading him to think Harley Quinn does prefer Batman's batarang instead of his own whoopee cushion.
Harley explains: "See, I've had both the red and the black licorice and I know I'm supposed to favour one but it's a toss up. Maybe if I had a side by side taste test?"
Smooth, Harley. So smooth it leads into a three way between two arch enemies and a two toned accomplice.
Joker: I've never been so insulted! So repulsed! So.... likely to win!
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| I love how Joker removes and folds his jacket first. YOU'RE IN A SEWER! |
Joker: "A guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender, 'I had a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a reaaally good time!"
Harley: "A lonely maths teacher puts down his math book and says 'if three people having sex is a threesome and four is a foursome... then I guess I'm just handsome!'"
Even Batman laughs (well, as much as Batman can laugh) at these sex jokes while Joker's laugh here is about as awesome as Jared Leto's 'laugh'.
So there's a threesome with these weirdos and the most interesting thing to me is how ordinary Batman's suit is. Am I desensitised? Nit picky? I honestly don't know. Batman doesn't get naked but he does take his cape off which is about as close as he gets and is quite startling as it is.
There are so many Batcave jokes along with the standard 'rev up your Harley' quip.
Joker says he's happy that Harley got off as well leading Batman to say he's such so kind and considerate. Joker replies that he's not really a bad guy but people are just scared to get to know him.
Getting dressed afterwards is awkward but funny, like most sexual encounters I imagine.
Joker, Harley, Deadshot and Katana abscond together leaving Batman alone and grumpy - just like always. He calls Alfred to ask if the tracker on Harley is active - he answers yes but it's faint and he enquires exactly *where* the tracker is. Ho ho ho.. sneaky Batman.
After credits reveal that Flag is alive and well, joking to the Wall about how the Squad believed there were bombs in their necks.
Winner for best costume in my opinion is Killer Frost. An exact cosplay of the costume from Assault on Arkham (albeit with a lot more tattoos) and I liked the colour effects they had going through her hair.
I'm not sure but it looked like she even had a bit of something frozen or crystallised in her hair.
Even with the blue lipstick and eye-shadow, it doesn't look like overkill (hahaha) and even her little gem thing lights up.
She also retains a lot of her character from Assault on Arkham as well as her powers.
Runner-up is Harley Quinn in her Arkham Knight outfit.
It would have better if she had kept the little eye mask instead of the smeared Batman: the Dark Knight Joker eye shadow but that's only a minor quibble.
Thankfully her actual 'Suicide Squad' costume was only seen briefly. Even though it's better than the one in the movie it's still terrible costume wise.
This is a screen cap from the Suicide Squad movie but it looks like an epic cum-shot that should have been in the porn parody. I think the parody was filmed before the movie came out but I'm just saying.
If you get a chance, watch the parody and see what you think. Again, if you aren't keen on watching your favourite characters bone, there's always the porn less cut above.
So far, this movie seems to have captured more of the characters, their looks and personalities, had a better soundtrack and quotes, and did their best with limited space and CGI. It still managed to have more of a plot than Suicide Squad ever did so it beats me what even happened in that production.
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| Sir Not Appearing in this Film can't even use his hand for pleasure |
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