DC Universe: Batman #89

Straight up, not a fan of the cover!

The concept is fine but the character design doesn't grab me. Penguin and Riddler look about right but Joker is like the skinny jeans version of himself.

Harley - ooh where to start? Right - face bandaid? Gross. Could be a racing stripe but you're either playing derby or you're not, and she's not so it's a plaster until further notice. Looks as if she's wearing a quarterback's armour with the flimsiest shirt underneath. Crazy skinny to the point where's it's distracting and you wonder why she had her arms surgically replaced with that of as young child's. Are these arms going to snap the moment she lifts that mallet? Her shorts look like a Warner Brother's cartoon ran headlong into her butt and saw stars so hard it left an imprint of their delusion - the only thing missing is the tweeting birds. How are her tatty thigh highs even staying up? The only part I really approve of is the sturdy boots. 

Then there is Catwoman - fine I guess, if you like vinyl chafing in your armpits. 

Anyway, comic opens with some hospital staff discussing how everyone's basically doomed because of dust and Joker toxins. I mean, this is a great point. Coincidence this issue came out when it did? Curious now if the vast majority of anti-maskers during COVID19 would wear a mask if they lived anywhere near the Joker or if they would continue their protest, albeit with big, new smiles?

The hospital chit chat gets cut short when Penguin gets unceremoniously dumped in their lap with a stab wound. Speaking of extreme Americano, Batman fights a dude in stars and stripes. It does not end well for stars and stripes man. 

I would like to point out that I haven't read the issues proceeding this so not 100% on what's going on, but I am going to question why if all of these people are in Gotham - why is it only raining in the cemetery? I would also question why the ER of Gotham's Mercy Hospital was so quiet and clean but eh. 

Right, so Harley is back in Gotham and is helping Selina take out a bunch of Joker... gas.. robot things?

I probably should read the preceding issues. Oh well. 

DC Universe Harley Quinn #63

July 2019
Writer: Sam Humphries
Art: Otto Schmidt
Cover: Guillem March
"Death becomes Harley"

The final trials of Harley Quinn have begun…and the stakes have never been higher! Will Harley succeed in becoming the Angel of Retribution? Or will she fall short, only to suffer the same fate as all those before her?
Plus, a mysterious new comic by M. Clatterbuck appears…in which Lex Luthor makes Harley an exciting offer!
This cover is advertising the tie in for the "year of the villain" event, which is fine I guess, but I mean... going with a cross eyed Harley isn't the image I would have chosen. Plus, I thought the series was pushing the agenda that Harley is no longer a villain? Eh, who can keep up anymore? Especially when she either has hyenas or doesn't or only does when it's convenient like when she needs to sass an anthropomorphic personification of death.

The variant cover artist is Frank Cho who I have criticised before for being
kinda stuck in his ways. Here he's gone a bit different and done an oil painting.. or two. Which, yeah is hard and does take some skill but also.. I don't know if I like these. The first one is okay - but then he changed it to the final cover of just Harley doing her Maggot-Miley impersonation, which then apparently got super pasty white for production and now looks worse. I reckon he should have stuck with the peace sign/Vogue-ing one.





This issue opens with some random hero guy called The Coney Champion - who has sworn to take down Harley for her reign of terror - getting absolutely nerfed by Death. And not the fun Death, like Discworld, but some lazy skeleton who just throws this dude into a truck and kills him.
Which probably the worst part about is not the laziness, not the new character introduced and killed off because he posed a slight threat to Harley, the fact that it had nothing really to do with the story but probably the fact that this guy driving said truck appears to have vehicular manslaughtered before.. and assumes he's at fault even though this other guy hit the SIDE of his truck. What the heck sort of intro is this?

DC Universe Harley Quinn #62

Alright, this one I've been putting off for a while because just reading this comic exhausted me. More on that later.

Anyway, first cover is fine I guess, but the Enchantress' face is scarier than I think the artist intended. Plus, is Harley offended at being called an idiot or is she so far removed from being a jester now that she has no idea what 'fool' means in context?

Cho's cover is a lot better than normal - actually fits the comic's theme and does a good job. It's still weird seeing Harley in the classic costume but not wearing her domino mask. It's like leaving the house not wearing shoes or something. Weird. Doable depending on where you're going, but still like... weird. Also Catwoman's helmet straps dangling seem like an unusual liability for her.

So - why am I exhausted?

Well....

This is page one. 

Did we not get rid of this million speech bubbles bull crap already? And for good reason? 

I'm not the kind of person to baulk at reading - I love reading, and I read fast. I read comics, novels of fiction and non, magazines, blogs, newspapers, flyers, cereal boxes, the really small fine print you get in contracts, HELL - I'm that person that actually reads the pamphlets that come with medication! 

So it's not just the sheer amount of words that are a problem, it's the obnoxious way it's shoved in our faces, complete with randomly sized and differently coloured key points so you don't fall asleep reading the damn thing. 

So, to break it down - Harley - talking to us via the fourth wall - recaps the WHOLE last issue again. She does this while literally being burnt at the stake because PRIORITIES, clearly. Then the whole thing is supposed to be her 'testimony' to Tina, trying to prove she's not crazy. Harley's supposed to be smarter than this, like PhD smart, yet she can't take a second to read the room? She KNOWS people here don't understand her, yet she makes no effort, even when her life and the life of Catwoman is on the line, to pretend to be normal and speak clearly?

Would you talk the same to the CEO of your company as you would to a toddler? How about an astrophysicist versus a grade schooler? An English literature professor against an immigrant who knows only basic translations? Your best friend or your worst enemy?

NO. 

Harley Quinn & Poison Ivy #1

Here it is.

Honestly I wasn't sure what to expect from this comic because the previous taglines were all "Harley and Ivy explore their relationship post Sanctuary" - which can mean a lot of things but my first thought was "pleasedon'tbelikethepalmiottoconnerharleyivyrelationshippleasepleaseplease" because there is no faster buzzkill than my two of my favourite fictional criminals sitting around calling each other pet names, talking about feelings and scheduling spa dates.

Also, the first promo didn't grab my eye.. I wasn't keen on Ivy's 'green variant of female titan' look, and the angle for Harley wasn't especially flattering, and I wasn't excited about the predictable antagonist... although I did like the direct approach of it by having them dance around a map literally between their destinations. The cover they used appeals to me so much more.. although I question why it matters to watch the road when everything's on fire but that's just me.

As you may have guessed, there are quite a few variants so we'll go through them at the end so as not to take up the entire review.


So, what's it all about, really?

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy are taking their show on the road in this new miniseries! They’ll have to evade villains and heroes alike while they explore their relationship and unpack their time and experiences at Sanctuary. Set after the events of HEROES IN CRISIS and smack in the middle of “Year of the Villain,” it’s a journey across the DC Universe that will change their friendship forever... if they live that long!

"Pushing Daisies"

Sept 2019

Writer: Jody Houser

Pencils: Adriana Melo

Inks: Mark Morales
Colours: Hi-Fi

Cover: Mikel Janin

Okay... so it's a mini-series capitalising off the name of a prior popular series smack bang in the middle of two events? Wow, I'm cynical. Let's check it out. 

DC Universe Harley Quinn #54

The main cover isn't horrible.. but it does kinda defeat the purpose of the last issue being spent on ruining Harley's faux-Youtube career. Variant cover.. yeah, it's nice but apart from making me think they ran out of time to finish the colouring in, it gets me rolling my eyes at the 'pumpkin spice' mallet.

I live in Australia, where the only pumpkin flavoured things are our pumpkins, pumpkin scones, pumpkin soup and so forth. One time, I saw a pumpkin spice body spray and in the more American themed coffee shops they do a random pumpkin flavoured thing but it's not very big here. Still, you get the memes about everything being pumpkin-this or pumpkin-that that the mallet being named pumpkin spice is kinda cringey.



Anyway, back to this comic about people (apparently everyone everywhere including Martian G-D Manhunter!! Is it THAT boring in the Watchtower???) watching online videos.
Yep. Groundbreaking stuff alright.

Minor Disaster switched Harley's delete and upload video, so now Harley is ugly-crying in an alley being filmed by said Minor Disaster.

Told ya. 

Harley gets mad, and forgets to use English correctly.

"Ain't nobody with a loser name like Minor Disaster can bring me down low!" she yells, defiant of the fact that she just used a double negative and also that she has an appropriate villain name and has just called the kettle black.

Then she gets super mad about being called a lame Joker rip-off, but I mean you can't deny that, especially if you're keeping the skin bleach.

DC Universe Harley Quinn #53

Well again with the serial comic posting.. I feel like every time I'm on here I'm looking at these instead of reviewing anything else Harley Related. This issue though..

I was actually enjoying the last two issues but this one is something else, but like, not in a good way.

First cover gives a good indication of what the story's about but I think it could have done without the speech bubble. Get it? What's better than seeing your parents naked or letting out a small fart? Why, increasing your chances of getting shot by playing Russian Roulette! Second cover... looks really familiar. Wasn't there already a cover out very similar to this? Running out of ideas, mayhaps?




Alright so it kicks off in some random school room where everyone stops everything because some kid's phone goes off. Teacher confiscates it but there's an outcry.

Yeah! It could be something important, like the kid's parents calling in an emergency, teach! Don't be so uncool! .....Oh no, wait, it's just some jerk off live-streaming.

DC Universe Harley Quinn #52

Wow, these things are coming out more regular than the average bowel movement. This was definitely an issue for me (ha, comic pun) under the previous management, this time around, it's not as poisonous but it's still.. does this comic need to come out this often? Is there something pressing that has to be said? Probably not, but there is money to be made I guess so this cash cow can't be confined to monthlies like the other slobs..

Anyway, again two covers. The first one - I love/hate it? Like, it's a cool image, I like the jacket, the style is nice..the hair looks good - different even...but then again it doesn't offer anything that we haven't seen before with the gum, the mallet, the blood splashes and facial tattoos (why?????). Happening more often now.. Harley is wearing Joker paraphernalia and sweet mother of mercy the OCD in me CANNOT handle that flipped jacket flap. 

The variant cover is it's usual visual treat.. but I'm getting a bit sick of the nostalgia shoved in my face.. taunting me with a better costume but mixed in with new crap like the fairy floss hair and showing us Bud and Lou -  that I will never forgive DC for killing off. Ever. Screw you, DC.
Also, damn Batman! Was that a headshot???



Issue starts off with a nice toned down flashback to 1943 - it kinda reminds me of the style they used in the Bombshell/Little Black Book issue but with much better art. Then it kills off Michael, who we learn is Lance's twin brother. Then  three witches... um, called The Three Witches (don't strain yourselves creatively or nothin') turn up and use Lance's suspicions of foul play to turn him into Captain Triumph - an avenging hero with his brother's soul bonded to him.



The flashback turns from generic comic book narration to comic character narration with Harley then managing to break the fourth wall, rip off Lobo, pass blame off to other people and insult Captain Triumph's backstory and him personally all in the time it takes her to get thrown out the window.

DC Universe Harley Quinn #51

First things first, while I appreciate a retro cover like the first one here, I don't know what is going on with Harley's pose at all, she looks so out of place and wrong. Tiny Trump hands, her hips are apparently out of orbit with the rest of her and her face.. doesn't seem to match what she's saying. Now, even if she's talking sarcastically.. why does she look depressed?

Also.. why does she need a belt saying who she is when DC's new tag line for Harley is basically "YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS!"

The second cover is better, as usual. They're still putting her with Joker props though. To ship, or not to ship? That's what DC needs to ask themselves.


The art is sooooo much better in this series now. The writing... for me, it's yet to be amazing but it's already better than the last lot of idiots. That's partially why I'm doing another DCU review - because I can actually stomach this schlock now.

Starting off with an out of control vehicle - okay well the pedestrians it's veering towards are for the most part in continuity.. except when the older guy falls down and changes places with the blue jean boy - it's stopped by Captain Triumph who is immediately mistaken for nearly every other male superhero out there.

The older guy - demands to know who the hell this guy who saved him is. Well, I suppose that's the New Yorker in him coming out? Not 'Oh, thanks for saving my clumsy ass' but 'Wait... you're... who the hell ARE you?'

Ya know what would have been better? Having this guy - who's old enough to be in the demographic to remember this guy - remember this guy instead of having Captain Triumph do his hero spiel.

DC Universe Harley Quinn #50

This cover, I don't mind too much even though the effect is probably a bit overdone to death. I don't know why Conner can't draw Classic Harley right - her headpiece looks weird and giving her the new Harley bruise coloured eye shadow is just... why? It doesn't look good on ANYONE.

At least they recognise that she used to have hyenas and it was awesome. Even if they do look more like dogs here. Anyway, New Harley is reading a comic and the cover has Classic Harley, and Classic Harley's cover has Bombshell Harley, and Bombshell Harley's cover goes back to New Harley because they somehow ran out of versions of Harley Quinn somehow?

Eh I dunno. The Cho cover is okay, but Harley's eyes are pointed in different directions and I don't get the ducks. It would have been funnier if Harley had been stuck holding the bomb but was waiting at a duck crossing for them to pass. I think she's just meant to be turning around instead of... going behind them, in front of them or over them? Weird.



This extra sized anniversary issue is written by Sam Humphries but begins like so many Conner/Palmiotti issues before it - a one page spread of Harley looking super elongated and about ten million speech bubbles. Talk about your TL;DR! If you are tempted to check out what they're saying, it's nothing interesting unless you like a mother and daughter talking about contracting Glandular Fever back in high school and said daughter apparently dating the whole school then complaining about double standards.

They walk through a crowd of people with the same face and Harley stuffs hers with like a million hot dogs. Harley also can't wear anything else apart from her battle hot pants even when hanging out with her mom. Mom also has no personality apart from 'my daughter's so AWESOME' so she could literally be swapped with any one of Harley's other hanger on's and no one would know.

Oh yeah, plot wise, Harley reads a comic about her and destroys continuity in DC. 

DC You - Batman: Prelude to the Wedding.. Harley Quinn vs Joker

Well naturally, Marvel just had the last few weddings of the century so here's DC's attempt at competing again.

June 2018
Till Death Do Us Part
Writer: Tim Seeley
Artist: Sami Basri
Colours: Jessica Kholinne
Cover: Rafael Albuqueque

Synopsis:

Harley Quinn knows a thing or two about dysfunctional relationships. When she hears that her old flame is trying to get in the way of a happy new life for one of her best friends, the Maid of Mischief tracks The Joker down to give him a piece of her mind-and maybe a few blows from her hammer, too.

Does anyone remember the first time Catwoman got all dolled up in a wedding dress? I remember the first times I saw her in one and it was well before the Cat and the Bat romance got off the ground. 

True, this one wasn't real but it was awesome seeing a mix of villains and heroes at the ceremony and then fighting over the bouquet.. then Catwoman realising that Batman wasn't ever going to truly run away with her while crime exists in Gotham and woke up pissed.

This one was an attempted wedding, where someone tried to domesticate Catwoman and she put a damn stop to it you betcha bucko. 

Oh, I miss how she used to call people bucko. 

As a young girl I would look at these and have no doubt that this was how my wedding would be. Now I AM married I'm glad it didn't. It's a shame I couldn't rock a catsuit under my shredded dress but I feel that a rogue bunch of commandos scaling the cathedral and shooting it up would have put the whole night out of my budget for sure. 

Anyway, now we're milking the Catwoman and Batman semi-romance for all it's worth and that means finding some way to tie in Harley Quinn and Joker.

DC Universe Harley Quinn 41

It's been a while since I checked out the recent Hardly Quinn. I've been so disappointed with DC comics lately that I just haven't been able to muster the strength to crack open a comic.
Especially since someone saw my classic Harley Quinn mug at work and asked me who it was.
I said this is Harley Quinn and they said oh, like Maggot Robbie?

No. Not like her. This one was funny and talented, not a useless, unfunny, looking like something the cat dragged out of Blondie's reject wardrobe, drugged out gangster ho, the butt-less wonder.
I could go on. The only compliment I can give Maggot Robbie is that her agent gets her juuust enough gigs that she doesn't have to rely on T&A.. which is good, seeing as she hasn't got any but gets her kit off regardless. Sigh.

Remember Harley Quinn? The character DC forgot how to write and just turned her into whatever the Tumblr generation thinks is cool at the moment?

Which brings me to this review. I've had a stressful week, and I want to take it out on something so here's my review on this month's crappy Hardly Quinn.


As usual, the Frank Cho cover greatly outshines the generic thug who eats pizza in weird outfits cover.
I shouldn't have to explain why I think this but good gravy the basic cover has Hardly so... POINTY.


How does she cross her legs without giving herself discount surgery?

 Discount bargain basement Barbie barbarian.





Oh, and this is the first advert they show.

Team Wisdom? That suits her about as much as 'Entropy' suits Batman. Geeez.

From Polygon:

And since he knows their enemy best, Braniac’s in charge of all the team rosters.

That’s a narrative hook that allows Justice League: No Justice’s creative team to indulge in some serious comic book “moneyball,” as Snyder calls it. There’s team Mystery, consisting of Superman, the Martian Manhunter, Starfire, and major villains Starro and Sinestro; team Entropy, including billionaires Batman and Lex Luthor, the assassin Deathstroke, the alien bruiser Lobo and the Teen Titans’ Beast Boy; team Magic, consisting of the mystical heroes Wonder Woman, Doctor Fate, Zatanna, Raven and Etrigan the Demon; and finally, team Wisdom, made up of the Flash, Damian Wayne (Robin), the Atom, Cyborg and, implausibly, Harley Quinn.

Truth be told, I found Dark Knights: Metal kinda lame and basically just skimmed it so sure, maybe Hardly Quinn is on team Wisdom because it's a plant eating entity and not because she's (or this Hardly at least) is anywhere near the smarts of Cyborg, Flash, Robin and Atom. 

Which is annoying because she could be, but she's not there for the empowerment, she's there because she fits the quota of 'at least one girl per team' and she's the resident cash cow. Yuck. 

So, probably won't be checking this out any time soon. The art looks nice, but the colour schemes stink of that time they decided to make literally everyone a lantern of some kind.