DC Universe: Batman #89

Straight up, not a fan of the cover!

The concept is fine but the character design doesn't grab me. Penguin and Riddler look about right but Joker is like the skinny jeans version of himself.

Harley - ooh where to start? Right - face bandaid? Gross. Could be a racing stripe but you're either playing derby or you're not, and she's not so it's a plaster until further notice. Looks as if she's wearing a quarterback's armour with the flimsiest shirt underneath. Crazy skinny to the point where's it's distracting and you wonder why she had her arms surgically replaced with that of as young child's. Are these arms going to snap the moment she lifts that mallet? Her shorts look like a Warner Brother's cartoon ran headlong into her butt and saw stars so hard it left an imprint of their delusion - the only thing missing is the tweeting birds. How are her tatty thigh highs even staying up? The only part I really approve of is the sturdy boots. 

Then there is Catwoman - fine I guess, if you like vinyl chafing in your armpits. 

Anyway, comic opens with some hospital staff discussing how everyone's basically doomed because of dust and Joker toxins. I mean, this is a great point. Coincidence this issue came out when it did? Curious now if the vast majority of anti-maskers during COVID19 would wear a mask if they lived anywhere near the Joker or if they would continue their protest, albeit with big, new smiles?

The hospital chit chat gets cut short when Penguin gets unceremoniously dumped in their lap with a stab wound. Speaking of extreme Americano, Batman fights a dude in stars and stripes. It does not end well for stars and stripes man. 

I would like to point out that I haven't read the issues proceeding this so not 100% on what's going on, but I am going to question why if all of these people are in Gotham - why is it only raining in the cemetery? I would also question why the ER of Gotham's Mercy Hospital was so quiet and clean but eh. 

Right, so Harley is back in Gotham and is helping Selina take out a bunch of Joker... gas.. robot things?

I probably should read the preceding issues. Oh well. 

DC Universe: Harley Quinn #64

 

The first thing that drew my attention on this cover was the tiny top banner with classic Harley shoving current Harley. It's cute, and in character. I don't know how I didn't look at the main picture first because YE GADS what on Earth is that? Did the nineties comic scene throw up again? I mean, it's not that baaaad... I guess but it also... doesn't make sense? 

Why is her arm a box? Is her hair made out of pom-poms? I was confused about her foot being a demented roller blade but then I realised that's meant to be her arm, not the box... her foot is that faux Japanese mask and cybergoth fluffies. So... what IS the box doing there? Is it part of her outfit, or is it the background? What's the other thing floating around her? Where are her eyeballs? Is this the revenge of Suicide Squad New52? Her pigtails trailing so long and being around all these mechanical parts makes me hella anxious too. 

Moving on with the comic itself - Harley is still reading her own comic book to escape the realities of her mom's hospital trip and-OH okay, inside is another picture from the cover and as it turns out, the star and box (diamond?) are SHOULDER PADS. 

.....Eh, still more in true to her origins than what she has been seen wearing, even if she's got a reject Dazzler from the future/Jem and the Holo-hell no's/Ziggy Star-Don't feel to her.  

Still weird though. 

Side note, I don't know a thing about Year of the Villain so if everyone's gonna be in these extreme cosplayer gladiator outfits I - well, actually I'm in two minds about reading it. 

DC Universe Harley Quinn #63

July 2019
Writer: Sam Humphries
Art: Otto Schmidt
Cover: Guillem March
"Death becomes Harley"

The final trials of Harley Quinn have begun…and the stakes have never been higher! Will Harley succeed in becoming the Angel of Retribution? Or will she fall short, only to suffer the same fate as all those before her?
Plus, a mysterious new comic by M. Clatterbuck appears…in which Lex Luthor makes Harley an exciting offer!
This cover is advertising the tie in for the "year of the villain" event, which is fine I guess, but I mean... going with a cross eyed Harley isn't the image I would have chosen. Plus, I thought the series was pushing the agenda that Harley is no longer a villain? Eh, who can keep up anymore? Especially when she either has hyenas or doesn't or only does when it's convenient like when she needs to sass an anthropomorphic personification of death.

The variant cover artist is Frank Cho who I have criticised before for being
kinda stuck in his ways. Here he's gone a bit different and done an oil painting.. or two. Which, yeah is hard and does take some skill but also.. I don't know if I like these. The first one is okay - but then he changed it to the final cover of just Harley doing her Maggot-Miley impersonation, which then apparently got super pasty white for production and now looks worse. I reckon he should have stuck with the peace sign/Vogue-ing one.





This issue opens with some random hero guy called The Coney Champion - who has sworn to take down Harley for her reign of terror - getting absolutely nerfed by Death. And not the fun Death, like Discworld, but some lazy skeleton who just throws this dude into a truck and kills him.
Which probably the worst part about is not the laziness, not the new character introduced and killed off because he posed a slight threat to Harley, the fact that it had nothing really to do with the story but probably the fact that this guy driving said truck appears to have vehicular manslaughtered before.. and assumes he's at fault even though this other guy hit the SIDE of his truck. What the heck sort of intro is this?

Harley Quinn: Future's End

Release Date: September 24, 2014




Harley and The Joker make it legal at last! Follow the happy couple to their secret honeymoon spot, where it’s literally till death do they part!

Alright! For anyone still struggling to cope with Bane-Harley and her subsequent demise in the Suicide Squad Futures End - fear not! In this comic book, the world is still happy and colourful! Harley Quinn is still alive and her.... normal? self. Well, close enough I guess.

I personally believe that it has the best 3D motion cover out of them all, even though I'm not a fan of Conner's art style. In this case, I feel like they really made the most of the lenticular covers and showed a stark change between fantasy and  reality. Close runners up are Wonder Woman and Batwoman and the Suicide Squad one. The rest are kinda meh. Anyway, even if Harley's cover sucked it's still better than that crappy villain's month turd lenTURDiclar cover!

Now the story itself isn't the best,  and in my opinion it starts REALLY lazily with Harley deciding she needs a vacation so she hurriedly posts herself in a crate to kick start the story.

I kinda get they're going for a slapstick Looney Tunes style gimmick but hey, remember when Harley had standards for herself and her lifestyle instead of just sticking it out in a crate with some cured meats for days on end with a bunch of animals.  Like - I've heard the TSA is pretty bad but surely this is an extreme way to avoid them.

Also, don't people presumably check the cargo hold?

Well, maybe they will once idiot here starts yelling at the top of her lungs to the captain when the plane inevitably hits turbulence a few panels down. She wakes up on a desert island with runny eye shadow, but don't worry because it gets fixed further down the page. Of course. 

Presumably the other animals in the cargo hold didn't make it, but Harley is more concerned with her lost beaver and insulting the one surviving animal, a dog she fed bacon to for some reason. This dog makes the wise choice to save it's career and run out of this comic. Ultimate pupper. 

DCeased #2

2/6
"The Monster Inside of Us All"
Writer: Tom Taylor
Pencils: Trevor Hairsine
Inks: Stefano Gaudiano
Colours: Rain Beredo

The ominous narration continues in this one, but doesn't do a thing to warn poor Aquaman not to open the door on the stricken cargo ship. In his defense, they do seem to be fast zombies. Gosh, I hate fast zombies. It's like... the slow ones are bad enough but at least you don't have to run like, allll the time. What is this, the Apocalypse Olympics? Damn.

Now Metropolis is on fire, and the Supersons and Superman are just chilling at their crib. They decide to head to the Daily Planet. Meanwhile, over in Gotham, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn are also just chilling but in some dingy alley way. So, clearly journalism pays better than crime. Thanks for the morality lesson DC!

Here, Ivy is abusing the power of the green and hyping Harley up for something, but Harley is trying her best to weasel out of it. They don't exactly say what this task is so maybe the next page is... oh.

Look at that sweeeeet..... gaming set up. 

Oh, is this supposed to be the hideout he used in Death of the Family? Or is it a parody of Batman's computer set up? I don't mind that actually - either one. I DO mind the over the top self aware and stereotypical 'battered/downtrodden woman in a relationship' discussion here. Since when are they officially back together enough to split? And since when has Joker cared what anyone was thinking unless it benefited him? They seem to be making it into a relationship thing..

"Got a new vibe, who dis?"

Dark Nights: Metal: The Resistance TPB 1

June 2018

The alternate, twisted versions of Batman—the Seven Dark Knights of the Dark Multiverse—are hunting the Justice League as the Leaguers attempt to locate artefacts that might protect Earth. One by one, Flash and Steel, Wonder Woman and Doctor Fate, Green Lantern and Mister Terrific, Aquaman and Deathstroke must face the Nightmare Batmen.

Elsewhere, Dick Grayson issues an S.O.S., summoning Robin, Batgirl, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, Black Canary and Green Arrow to prevent the transformation and terra-forming of Gotham City into a twisted mosaic of monsters, magic and doom. When they are trapped in a Riddler-designed maze, all hope may be lost.

And where is Batman during all this? He’s trapped in his own private nightmare, reliving portions of his life while confronting Barbatos, the leader of the evil Batmen and the demon that has haunted his dreams...

Foreword, the trade tells you to read Dark Nights: Metal #1-2 first, but when have YOU ever followed rules?

So - what's happening here and is it worth all the hype?

Well, it's got a lot of artists so there's Harley parading around in a few different outfits (consistency, thy name is not Harley) some weird spiky fusion version of Batman and Joker, spiky zombie Robins, magic metal cards give to the usual Arkham assortment to create their own realms.. 

Yeah, it's not too different from the average DC event. 

Opening on Barbatos giving Riddler a card to create a doom maze and divvying out more cards to his cohorts Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, The Mad Hatter, Bane and... Firefly, maybe? Eh, I dunno. Probably. Anyway they all get cards to make their own realms to ensnare our intrepid heroes. I am personally a big fan of how the evil speech is still inspirational, and how everyone who gets one looks excited (well, Hatter and Freeze definitely, the rest are a bit unclear) about the possibilities, Poison Ivy is doing the teeth test to check hers is real but Bane's still like 'What is this card, puny demon? I do not play. Messing with ME is gambling, you got a problem!'

Damian - headstrong as always has gone on a gargoyle-back ride to Gotham which is... a little different.

You know, I don't really mind Damian. Not a fan of him when he's pushed into every narrative but I like that he's different to the other Robins even if he is a bit of a jerk. He reminds me of Huntress on a revenge trip - not afraid to do what's needed even if it ostracises them from the other good guys. Especially here, as much as he thinks he's better than everyone else and above all the petty emotions they feel, he still rushes into this weird ass place to save his Dad by himself.

Harley Quinn in DCeased - Issue 1

So this year's Marvel Zombies kicks off with... oh wait, this is DC. Hmm.
Well, I gotta say I approve of the name. Very good with branding. On point, even.
Still, can it live up to Marvel Zombies? Wait, it's not zombies but a plague? Oh, like Contagion! Yeah, that was an ace comic too.

Let's have a quick look at the synopsis...

“I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! It's rider was Death, and Hades was following close behind him.”-Revelation 6:8

A mysterious techno-virus has been released on Earth, infecting 600 million people and turning them instantly into violent, monstrous engines of destruction. The heroes of the DCU are caught completely unprepared for a pandemic of this magnitude and struggle to save their loved ones first…but what happens to the World’s Greatest Heroes if the world ends? New York Times best-selling writer Tom Taylor (INJUSTICE) returns with a terrifying new tale and is joined by artists Trevor Hairsine (LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT) and Stefano Gaudiano (The Walking Dead).

Wait... it's sort of plague zombies but technologically sparked then physically transmitted?

.................Is this like a smartphone STD public awareness campaign??
Greeeeaaaat, I'll just put it here besides the one for Herpes-Bathwater.







Opening up on the Justice League ganging up in the schoolyard to harass Darkseid. Scenes like this make me so thankful for Green Arrow.. like, he is such a welcome relief against the stark stone faces of the rest of the League. Ha! The Uncomfortable Interacting With Others and Emoting  League, more like. Wow, I could be a founding member!
Seriously though, it's why I was so disappointed with CW's Flash and Green Arrow. Maybe Flash was a bit more like his comic counterpart, but they were both going for the gritty Batman sort of serious hero, but the core part of their character is their cheerful, humorous and understanding, empathetic personality. I get they were trying to avoid going too camp, but when you have to introduce other characters as comic relief when you should be able to have your main character be that - it's not right. It's like how I feel, when Harley Quinn's first cinematic appearance is slugged with her trashy New52 persona instead of her actual personality.

Right, the other thing I wanted to talk about with these opening pages is the fact that every other Justice League comic seems to recycle the whole "OHMIGAWSH BATMAN IS KEEPING TABS ON US! SHOCK HORROR!" I'm not one to normalise this stalky behaviour but it's like.. did they never meet Batman before this? Like, he's openly told them before he has a contingency plan in case any of them go rogue... does this just constantly get retconned?

This is a core part of Batman's character and it's also very important to have someone on the team be prepared, because frankly no one else on the League is going to do it. Like, Flash and Superman and Wonder Woman would never think bad of their colleagues, but then again, how many times have the heroes been corrupted and used against the people they love or the people they've sworn to protect?
Who else is gonna stop a super powered time bomb? A paranoid loner smarty-pants Bat, that's who.

Heroes in Crisis #4

Surprised this one wasn't "look ma, no hand!"

The punnage! The Dad Joke level of it all!

Wow.... murder is never the most glamorous of things - despite the whole noir/detective/spy gigs that keep popping up but good gravy does Harley look freaky here!
I turn the page and see Aquaman crying out in pain, grasping the mangled remains of his arm with his good hand and think 'aahhh, that's better.' Then I feel bad. But no tooo bad, because I'm pretty sure lil ol' Arthur got a gold hand to sob into afterwards.




Alright, first off - I love this scene. The mural, Donna casually carrying her drunk from mourning team mate, the graffiti credits, the lighting... it's just great.

We haven't really seen much of the Titans apart from... well... Wally. We do get to see Donna's confessional. Also... new outfit? I kinda like it... but I do miss the star cluster outfit with go go boots. 

She starts talking about the Troy that Helen and a few others made famous. 

At first you're like, okay, not everyone wants to talk about themselves, that's cool. But then you're like - she is. She's Donna TROY. She is still sore about DC screwing up her timeline and for the most part, her life. Clever way of saying so. Flash has a way with words too. 

Well... four letter words. 

Countdown 39-30

Back into a long shitepost about Countdown again! 

Here's Una and Karate Kid flying around Metropolis and dreaming about some sweet B&E. 

Wait, what? They're going to break into Oracle's Metropolis hideout? Goooood Luuuucccck...

Speaking of hideouts, Pied Piper and Trickster and finding a change in their circumstances. Penguin treats them to some fancy wine and some nice chow. Trickster accepts it gladly but Piper has some reservations. Trickster mocks Piper for his negative view on things but sure enough, Penguin has the Suicide Squad ready and waiting  to take out the rogue Rogues. 

Meanwhile, Donna Troy and Jason Todd and flying through the sub-quantum something or other when Jason makes the mistake of asking how much weirder stuff can get. 

Yeah, that's like an unwritten rule in comics, or even life. Just... don't. 

Now we've mentioned weird, we have to mention Jimmy Olsen. Oops, I mean Mr. Action. He thwarts a mugger and gets a smooch, then some aspirations into a team dynamic one week into his solo crime fighting career.

Maybe instead of dreaming big, Mr. Action could have stretched his way into Gotham to help Penguin save his expensive wine cellar because things are NOT going well over there.

Trickster hilariously yells about being rat catchers while running through the Iceberg Lounge - referring to the Pied Piper and his rat affinity, while also working double to embarrass Penguin.

The Suicide Squad get shown up, and hard, despite Deadshot's best attempts. Through a combination of boomerangs and forgetting about the electro chain tying them together, Trickster and Piper barely scrape their way out of there. 

Talking about scrapes - man, how good am I tying these things together? - we meet up with Harley and Holly back over at the Athenian shelter, scraping away at the patriarchy and dodging rioting mobs. Last time, Holly saw Harley rejecting a single mother's application for refuge and she is now digging for answers about this. 

Yeah, Athena will see you now.. ABOUT THAT BURN!

Seriously, Holly. I love this scene. She's hauling herself up from the bottom of society and has been doing it rough - I don't blame her for asking for good reasons why they're putting someone vulnerable right back down the ladder. However, she's really judgey and stuck up when she goes about it, especially to someone who is clearly working on their own past and faults. I like how Harley doesn't go off on a tangent about it (something I clearly have trouble with!) but instead delivers a snappy retort and leaves with a cheeky grin on her face.

Holly goes in more politely with 'Athena' and ultimately ends up back where she was - no real answers - but now with a ticket to a self esteem workshop.

Heroes in Crisis #1

There's been a lot of controversy over this particular comic so let's have a look at the first issue and see what the deal is, shall we?

Now this is only a nine part series so expect a lot of variant covers. This one issue has five, alone.

Some I get... some make sense with the comic and some are just... why is this here?

Anyway, the premise is about a Superhero Therapy Centre and the What Could Possibly Go Wrongs?


Harley Quinn and Booster Gold are the main features here, so hopefully they'll be written good because when done right, these two are good characters. Sadly, it does seem like Harley is just shoved in anywhere because she's making mad money for DC.

What the hell is this supposed to be?

Harley Quinn and Gossamer - The Looney Tunes special

I didn't even know this guy had a name. He's kinda like Sweetums, from the Muppets. You know who it is but they're not a main character.

Wait - why is this a thing? They just did the Hanna Barbera cross overs, plus Archie... What's the next cash grab tie in gonna be?

Anyway, the main cover for this cross over no one probably needed is it's usual Conner schlock (her arms are about as long as her legs and her eyes look frickin' weird) but the variant by Quinones?

I've told you guys I love the Quinones Quinn? He's even got her in the costume she wore in the 25th Anniversary special!

Both in scenes from the actual comic but the variant looks a lot more natural and fun.

Harley Quinn/Gossamer - a Hairy Predicament!
Aug 2018

Synopsis:

A violent storm leaves a large crate washed up on the beach at Coney Island. When Harley breaks it open to see what’s inside, she suddenly has a new playmate to add to her cast of friends-a large, furry, orange beast called Gossamer. It’s all fun and games until a giant robot attacks them. But who sent it? Harley immediately suspects only one man, but is it really The Joker behind this destructive rampage?


Now this special is still written by Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti because apparently when you leave a project you can't actually leave it. I wish they would. Every issue they write is pretty much a personal affront to me. Although if they hate me as much as I hate their bland world and shitty characters.. well it explains a lot. What a vicious cycle.

Some things I noticed about this issue.. it's not as outright shit as much of this duo's crap normally is. I suspect DC felt the heavy hand of Warner Brothers/Looney Tunes here. That said, it's still pretty weird. For one thing, the opening shot is Harley sitting on a Joker head inflatable. The second thing is Coney Island's beach actually has clear waters. I've never been there, but I've heard enough jabs about it to know it's not exactly paradise.

Then....

Yeah... see, this is why I'm not a fan of the whole ship with Poison Ivy. I won't go into a rant about how she's about as good as the Joker is when looking for a spouse but even this lobotomised version of Poison Ivy is just.. ugh.

Okay. If I wanted to read a comic about relationships I'd go and find a romcom or a good manga.
Strangers in Paradise, Ranma 1/2, Fruits Basket, Rachel Rising.... I could go on.
I don't crack open a supervillain comic to read about some asshole sighing wistfully, catching ordinary civilian trains, making phone calls and making sure their apartment is okay.

Countdown 51-40

Now that we've been going back into the Detective Comics showing Harley hanging out with Holly at the Amazon shelters, it's high time we went back and had a look at Countdown. Countdown was another multi-comic event spanning 52 weeks but good luck finding a good synopsis for that amongst the hits you'll get for the New 52 comics.

Back in the day, I pretty much just collected the issues that Harley Quinn appeared in, comprehensive storyline be damned! I ended up buying the trades though because I thought the story was pretty cool and there were some interesting things going on, and for once the holy DC Trinity wasn't hogging all the spotlight. Which is kind of the point of the 52 Countdown... but anyway.

May 2007 - April 2008
AKA Countdown to Final Crisis

Synopsis:

The Great Disaster has occurred, and all hell breaks loose as all the story lines in COUNTDOWN TO FINAL CRISIS come to a climax, threatening Darkseid and Jimmy Olsen and Mary Marvel and the future of their Earth!

So we'll dip our toes in, running through the series but mostly looking at Harley Quinn's involvement because... well, it's a Harley Quinn blog you nitwit. Get with the program. I'll do a couple of issues per post. 

This one opens with Darkseid discussing depressing world views with Desaad and playing chess with  himself, figures of DC characters and apparently no rules. Fun analogy or sneaky advertising for merchandise? You decide! 

The first chess piece he moves is Duela Dent - AKA The Joker's Daughter. Her story was a big part of what I found interesting about this series and another reason why I was so disappointed with what the actual New 52 chose to do with her character. 

Here she is, appearing in 'flames' and honing in on her target, a young celebrity. After jumping out the window amidst explosions she tells Tracey to call her manager in order to fund Duela with some nonsequential greens or else she might just drop Tracey as they parachute over the city. 

Duela is cool, collected and slightly sassy. Jason Todd/Red Hood shoots a hole in her parachute and she has no hesitations about dropping Tracey to lighten the load but at least she does it politely. 

Naturally Jason stops her and saves Tracey. They get into a discussion about who belongs where in the grand scheme of things and how cool foreshadowing is, then Duela name drops some people before running off. 

Meanwhile we pop into the hospital where a powerless Mary Batson nee Marvel is leaving. She finds out Billy Batson has paid her medical costs and left her a note saying not to find him, which I guess is like a health care one night stand, so she's a little cut. 

Heatwave is regretting not installing a peep hole in his door but lets Trickster in anyway. He suspects the pretzels are booby trapped so he destroys them but it was in fact the beer. So now there's no beer and no pretzels. Not a good start to a party. Plus Heatwave's pants are ruined!

DC You - Batman: Prelude to the Wedding.. Harley Quinn vs Joker

Well naturally, Marvel just had the last few weddings of the century so here's DC's attempt at competing again.

June 2018
Till Death Do Us Part
Writer: Tim Seeley
Artist: Sami Basri
Colours: Jessica Kholinne
Cover: Rafael Albuqueque

Synopsis:

Harley Quinn knows a thing or two about dysfunctional relationships. When she hears that her old flame is trying to get in the way of a happy new life for one of her best friends, the Maid of Mischief tracks The Joker down to give him a piece of her mind-and maybe a few blows from her hammer, too.

Does anyone remember the first time Catwoman got all dolled up in a wedding dress? I remember the first times I saw her in one and it was well before the Cat and the Bat romance got off the ground. 

True, this one wasn't real but it was awesome seeing a mix of villains and heroes at the ceremony and then fighting over the bouquet.. then Catwoman realising that Batman wasn't ever going to truly run away with her while crime exists in Gotham and woke up pissed.

This one was an attempted wedding, where someone tried to domesticate Catwoman and she put a damn stop to it you betcha bucko. 

Oh, I miss how she used to call people bucko. 

As a young girl I would look at these and have no doubt that this was how my wedding would be. Now I AM married I'm glad it didn't. It's a shame I couldn't rock a catsuit under my shredded dress but I feel that a rogue bunch of commandos scaling the cathedral and shooting it up would have put the whole night out of my budget for sure. 

Anyway, now we're milking the Catwoman and Batman semi-romance for all it's worth and that means finding some way to tie in Harley Quinn and Joker.